Stall is over, but now clothing purging and angst

I was really frustrated when my weight stalled at 263 for a long time, then crept down to 261 and sat there. But in the last 3 or 4 weeks the scale has been moving, and I’m down to 250. I haven’t been below 250 pounds since my early 20’s.

I’ve been able to put on some pants that are labeled XL. They’re really too tight to wear, but I could actually pull them up. It’s kinda surreal.

I’ve been able to wear a lot of my shorts during this journey because they have drawstrings, which I’ve been continuing to tighten. Today I had to choose to not wear a pair that didn’t have a drawstring because I knew they would be slipping down all day, and I need to go out to an appointment today. Time to get rid of them!

The other day after I washed some of the clothes I got from Rio’s sister, I decided to make room for them by purging my closet. They were all tops, so I went through and got rid of tops that were “OK”: not my favorites, but I’d worn them because they fit. I think I got rid of about 20 of them!

Then I went to purge my pants. I know most of them are too big because of trying them on when packing for our trip. But I was unable to part with any. It was the weirdest emotional feeling. You see, for years pants have been a real struggle. Because of my small legs and but, and massively oversized belly, I just couldn’t find nice pants. When I found some, I bought several, and have hung onto some for 15 years or more, patching as the seams wore through, clinging to them. Many styles that worked for me are no longer made, so that it.

I think it was about fear: fear that I will regain weight and not be able to find pants. For now they are still in my closet. I will likely put them aside soon, but put them in a box and keep them until I’m sure I won’t need them again. If that ever happens…